I feel like I just fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me. I literally pushed someone beyond good for me away to the point of not wanting to be with me anymore. I just kept making things worse and worse and not even show how much I truly care for him. Evan & I’s has literally been the only relationship where I felt like I was truly, genuinely ever cared for and I fucked it up. I kept picking fights, causing problems, and being a stubborn idiot that I pushed away the best person to have ever come into my life. I’ve never cried as much as I have in the past two days, and I can’t blame anyone but myself for it. I treated you like shit, never seemed to care, always made you feel less than you really mean to me, and got you to a point where you couldn’t feel like you could be the you I fell in love with. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it, because I finally could see how unhappy my behavior makes you and has made you for the past year. Only after truly looking and reminiscing on my actions did I see how wrong I’ve been to you but by the time I wanted to make things right it was already too late. I feel like I’ve literally lost a limb because you’ve become such a big influence in my life and in myself. My heart is beyond torn, I don’t even know what to say to get you to see how much you really mean to me and that I want to stay with you. I love you soooooo much Evan it really hurts and scares me. Being with you even throughout all our fights and bad times, I was always still happy to be with you. You were and you still are everything to me. I fucking hate that I let all my emotional damage and insecurites get the best of me and I hate the way I’ve talked and treated you. I kept getting in my head and jumping to conclusions all the time and it’s not fair to you. It wasn’t fair to us. I know what I want, I’ve know all I want is you since my 20th birthday when you sang happy birthday to me, since you stuck around for as long as you did, since you brought and taught me so much about myself and just things I’ve never expurenced. I see you in so much that I do but I would never show you how much you’ve changed and become a part of me. I love the person you are, always have and I always will. I love all your imperfections, I love the way you grind your teeth, move your hands when you talk, how you’d come to me when you where upset, that adorable smirk you always have, the scare on your chin from when you where young. You don’t know exactly how much you and our relationship meant to me and it’s all my fault because I just stopped communicating with you on that level that made us want to be together…I have no idea how to make it up to you but I will and I pray you give me another chance so I can show you just how true all of this i’m saying is. You’re my babe, my best friend, my lover. I miss you to death and it kills me knowing I fucked it all up. I love you Evan.

Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone.
Maybe I’m just a lost cause when it comes to love. Everyone never ends up being who they say they will be to you when we end up together. When things get rough it’s like it’s just time to give up and find someone else. I’m a very emotional person (regardless of how I come across). I’m never really listened to since I’m always “bitching” about something. I always feel 2nd to everyone like I’m not worth anyone’s time. Always lead by lies I’ve been taking as true. That how I feel about things is always petty and stupid. Just always receiving so much crap from everyone I’ve ever been with or dated and I do not see why or why I constantly let it happen. Maybe I’m just meant to be a emotional punching bag for everyone…or that something really is repulsive about me that I don’t see?… Idk I just think I’m no longer worth the effort for anyone. Just a body that’s open for anyone’s use to leave all their negative shit with then go when they please…


don’t buy colgate whitening toothpaste

it says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days

15 days have come and gone

and i am still asian

(Source: quasidrome)